God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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