I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
