You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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