According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
