Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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