his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
you never un-have a 4some
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Randomize
