I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
