I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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