happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
