Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
