my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
