I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
