I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
