He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
My legs feel like baby dolphins
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
