I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Randomize
