A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
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