She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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