so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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