went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Randomize
