I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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