At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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