see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
