I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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