So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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