Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
