I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
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There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
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For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
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