So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
