I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
