Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
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