Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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