Your dad touched me again.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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