Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Sober January is a disaster.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Randomize
