i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
It happened again.
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
theres a video...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.