I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
