mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
We had to coat check the pizza.
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If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.