i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
