if i can run in heels then i can drive
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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