so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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