I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
