Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
