I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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