Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
