the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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