I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Randomize
