When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
