just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
