i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
