First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
