I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Michael Bay diarrhea
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I want her autograph on my taint
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
