I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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