So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
