So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
