I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
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