Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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