Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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