What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
