John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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