Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Randomize
