I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
