bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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