if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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