I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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